Warning - Contents may be harmful to your health

Latrine behavior and Etiquette - 8 Apr 11

I know what a strange title for a blog. It’s just recently during my daily bathroom/library trip I was forced to use stall number two at my work. Stall one which is oversized and much more comfortable was occupied already needless to say stall two was my only option. Did I mention that stall one has hand rails, acceptable lighting, magazine rack and a much higher ergonomic toilet? Stall two is always the less preferred because of the size that can be compared to a phone booth. I’m sure the same company that made the phone booths got the bid for bathroom stalls at all government agencies. Stall two is so small (how small is it) that you smack both your elbows into the side walls as you try to slide your Spiderman underwear and pants back up.

As I prepared to do my business I noticed under the divider the coveralls piled around the ankles of the man next to me. Yep sure enough it was my buddy Mr “T” (name changed to protect his identity). It wasn’t our first time for us; we have met before under similar circumstances. Most of you that know me well might say I’m a little modest at times. Others might say I’m a guy that gets things done. But when it comes down to the sanctuary of a bathroom I suddenly become very shy. At that moment I wish that I had been born with a muffler as I tried to suppress the air escaping out of my butt. After a few muffled bursts Mr “T” said softly “Go ahead SGM and let her go were all friends here”.

If he only knew the anxiety that I have with making noises in the bathroom when I’m not alone. If he only knew the possible outcome of his request I know he wouldn’t have asked me to “Let her go”. He was taking his life in his own hands and I could not accept that responsibility. After some small talk he finished his business, slipped on his superman coveralls and returned to work. Yes he washed his hands for what it’s worth. Not that it matters he then touched the door handle that had just been touched by the smelly trucker who didn’t wash his hands before him.

After he left I sat there in quiet reflection and thought that bathrooms + poop = Awkward situations/stories. For example while I was at Ft Lewis back in 2009 I had the unfortunate reaction to shrimp scampi. After walking back from the mess hall I felt pains in my stomach. All kidding aside it felt like my stomach was doing advanced aerobics. My stride increased and I noticed my dinner companion matching me stride for stride. The foot race was on and we wrestled briefly at the men’s room door as I pushed by him to complete my mission. There was no modesty that day as it came down to a do or die situation. The men outside at the urinals, whose eyes were now watering, quickly finished their business and got out of Dodge. Sadly, we both had the same reaction the next two times we ate shrimp Scampi. I know your thinking why in the world would you do that to yourself three times? I have to say it was great food!

Then there was the time when I was in a restroom up north. I was sitting in my stall mentally going through my too do list. It sounded like small arms fire followed by a grenade hitting the water in the stall next to me. Then I heard the man say “nice weather”. Trying not to laugh and a little upset that the quiet solitude had been broken I replied “it sure is”. He then asked how long I had been on the road and I replied “about an hour and a half and you”? He then said rather rudely “I have to go now the guy in the stall next to me thinks I’m talking to him”. My question is who in their right mind talks to someone on their cell phone while going to the bathroom. What do you do with your cell phone while you’re wiping? I know if it was me my phone would slip off my shoulder and land in the muddy waters below.

There should be a law against people using their phones in public restrooms. Imagine the same scene above only this time the man next to you says “Hi I love you”. Sure you’re laughing now but what if the room darkened as he blocked out the light on his way into the bathroom. What if the stall wall was bulging and you heard him say “Daddies thinking of you”! Or even worse hear him say “why don’t you come over to my house and play”.

Can you honestly keep a straight face if you hear your friend talking to you while they are going to the bathroom? Imagine the noises one might make that echo amplified through the phone lines. The water hitting the rocks below might take you back to a trip along the north shore. For me personally, the sound of rounds coming in take me back to a place that I don’t want to be.

Tell me you’ve never been next to nowhere when you notice there is no toilet paper in your stall as you duck walk down the line looking for more. As soon as you start the walk of shame you get caught by the senior citizen that proudly cleans the interstate rest rooms across America. I call it the walk of shame because shame on me for not checking more than cleanliness, lights, and locks on the stall door.

Speaking of cleanliness why is it that guys can’t seem to hit a urinal at less than a foot away but are convinced that they can pee into a toilet without raising the lid? Come on if you’re in a hurry to pee and the kid in front of you is fumbling with his zipper at the urinal go ahead and use the stall. Just use your foot like everyone else to raise the seat up!

All in all times are changing and bathroom behavior is now much more acceptable. I have friends that have decorated their bathrooms by doing their own backsplash. I have friends that have cleared out offices and others that have brought tears to my own eyes. I know bathroom poets and bathroom remodelers. I have friends that have dropped valuables into the forbidden waters and others that have failed to retrieve them. I know one guy that loves to show off his handy work using both corn and peanuts for texture.

My final thoughts as I begin the final descent is never let your turtle show in the middle of nowhere and always keep a clean roll of toilet paper in a baggy under your front seat just in case. This almost sounds like advice from Red Green. With that being said “keep your stick on the ice”!

That is all,

Dave